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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| www.xanga.com/in_friends_we_trust.
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| things are slightly looking up. i finally got enough money in my bank account to pay my gym payment and whatever fee they may want to take out. and have some moniez left over.
rachel and i talked sunday night. it was good. she pretty much told me she was really only interested in me as a friend. we'll probably still go to the works but just as friends for her birthday.
i'm almost thinking about making a new xanga/myspace. what do you guys think?
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| i had this crush on this girl. i've been into her since about august. she's awesome. she's unique, fun, and super cute. i was totally back on my A game when she even said yes to a double date [with troy and wawa court] at The Works. also around that time i finally got a job at Goodwill, so i could even afford the date!
and now everything fucking blows.
i started letting myself be a little more vulnerable to her and like her more and more. we were talking on the phone every night and i loved it and i thought i might actually have a chance at being in something great. and then she meets another girl who also likes her. The Other Girl hasn't said anything of that nature yet, however they're going out today on an unofficial date and she's even spending the night at The Other Girl's house.
and i am totally crushed. i actually started letting myself slip a little and maybe start enjoying spending time with another girl. like genuinely enjoying it and the possibility of dating one day. i thought she even maybe sort of liked me too and i thought she was actually excited about our date. ever since she met The Other Girl, though, we barely ever have anything to talk about at night and it's like she avoids the subject of my crush on her. she used to think it's cute. and now she ignores it. what the fuck.
and it's driving me insane. i was so hopeful about this. especially when she said yes to my date offer. and now... it's not all gone, but i can't stand dating her while she's dating another girl. she has no idea i'm this hurt about it, though, because when her and The Other Girl get together, i don't want things to be awkward.
i'm not going to call her at night anymore. i'm not going to mention the date again, because i doubt she cares anymore. i'm not leaving her any more cute truth box messages, and i'm not getting as close to her at common roads. i'm not going to upset about this, i'm going to accept it as my trend of luck with girls. and finally, i'm not going to try to date pretty much ever again. nothing has worked out since chris. and i'm fucking terrified of things ever working out again because of the awful luck i've had. i can't get hurt again. i can't keep being upset about this. i know i don't need a girlfriend. i'm not upset about not having one. but i'm upset about letting myself get into girls who are worth more than i've got.
and in the last week i've lost $148 in bullshit fees because i fucked up my bank account.
i'm exhausted but i can't sleep. there's too much on my shoulders and i'm about to break, if i haven't already without noticing.
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| i wish i knew how to write this post. overall things have been pretty awesome, but right now i'm absolutely fucking miserable.
things are just about terrible at home. i can't stand my dad any more and there's so much i'd love to fucking say to him. he's such a fucking coward. he always calls my mom and brother a joke, and tells them how useless they are, but who the fuck is he to talk? he can't even face life without a bottle in his fucking hand.
things with friends are still great, though. we hang out a couple times a week and it's always like my escape from life. i know i can count on all of them if i ever need anything, and just knowing that they're there makes things slightly more tolerable. and no matter how much drama we have sometimes, we all know each other well enough to know exactly how to fix things. and it's awesome because we can actually fix things and work it out rather than ignore it. that's rare in my life nowadays.
school is okay. i'm actually doing a little better now.
relationships are non-existent. i have my eye on a few girls, but i'm not really looking for anything right now. i have too much shit at home and too much fun with friends to be able to balance a girlfriend in the mix.
i'm thinking about making a new xanga... i'm not really feeling this one anymore. meh. we'll see.
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| things have been alright i guess. they're getting better. last week my dad let out some things he's been carrying for 30 years, and he's been having trouble dealing with it. he's just about losing his mind... gah.
things at school are getting better. for about two weeks i was barely doing any work and not really putting effort into anything, but finally today i cracked down and stayed after to work on everything. i just need to catch up in art now and i'll be good.
friends are amazing. we've formed this little crew made up of troy, ashley, shannon, wawa courtney, jojo, and scott. it's epic. seriously... i've never had so much fun in my life before we all started hanging out together. we're hanging out wednesday and friday this week.
i've also started going to church again. it's alright. it feels weird and i'm not really sure i want to go, but i'm trying it out again. whatev, yaknow?
so that's how i've been.
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